Sunday, May 22nd 2016
Napoleon Bonaparte is one of the biggest names in history. Everybody’s heard of him, but there are some things you’ve probably never been told about the French emperor.
Napoleon Bonaparte makes the short list of people who are most responsible for how the modern world came into being. From his May 18, 1804 installation as Emperor, this little average-sized man rose from a lowly artillery officer from a remote island to a height of power no European had enjoyed since Roman times.
His decades-long rule dramatically altered European politics, from the rule of law set down in the Napoleonic Code to which side of the street most of Europe drives on. Before Napoleon, the whole world seemed to be one way; after him, it could never be that way again.
When you’re as influential as all that, generations of scholars will spend their careers studying every detail of your life. It is inevitable that those scholars will find some weird stuff – imagine a working group at the Sorbonne devoted to reading your diary – and not all of it will fit neatly within the great conqueror narrative. In fact, some of it will just be crazy, like this stuff here.
A year or so before the coup that would install him as dictator, Napoleon vented his frustration by writing a romance novel. The book, Clisson et Eugénie, which you can buy right now for about 34 cents on Amazon, tells the story of an army officer who falls in love and marries the girl of his dreams.
Duty calls, however, so the officer comes out of retirement to serve at the front. While he’s away, his wife cheats on him with a friend, driving him to – SPOILER ALERT – die a hero’s death in combat. The full book was only published after Napoleon’s death, and parts of it are still missing today.
Napoleon Nearly Died Looking for Australia
In 1785, Napoleon signed up for an official venture by the French Crown under the command of Jean-François de Galaup, Comte de Lapérouse. Shortly before the French Revolution broke out, Lapérouse outfitted two ships for an around-the-world voyage to Australia, the Solomon Islands, Alaska, and California, among other sites.
Lapérouse needed 220 men for the trip, and the teenage Napoleon is recorded in the crew ledger as having just missed the final cut. This rejection probably took him by surprise; Napoleon was really good at math, and he excelled in his class at the military academy in gunnery – both vital skills on a sailing ship.
Another surprise came a few years later when word reached France that the expedition had vanished without a trace. In all likelihood, both of the expedition’s ships fetched up against a coral reef in 1788. None of Lapérouse’s crew ever made it home.
He Was Irritatingly Tone Deaf
A lot of people have trouble carrying a tune, but when you’re the absolute ruler of France, you can inflict your off-key singing on everybody else and no one has the nerve to tell you to stop it.
According to multiple sources, Napoleon had the perfect storm of bad habits: Tone-deafness and compulsive singing. Whenever he got fidgety or nervous, out would come the repetitive humming and mumbling. According to one survivor, a friend named Betsy Balcombe:
“He began to hum the air, became abstracted, and, leaving his seat, marched round the room, keeping time to the song he was singing…In fact Napoleon’s voice was most unmusical, nor do I think he had any ear for music; for neither on this occasion, nor in any of his subsequent attempts at singing, could I ever discover what tune it was he was executing.”
He Cheated at Cards
Napoleon Bonaparte was a clever general, and his reputation is that of a genius on the battlefield. Like most “geniuses,” however, there was more to his success than met the eye — he was a cheat.
The keen instinct he developed for finding an enemy’s weak points and exploiting every advantage was of little use during his exile on Elba, where he turned that instinct toward chronic cheating at card games he played with his companions.
According to a lady who knew him at the time:
“When Napoleon was losing at cards he cheated without scruple, and all submitted with such grace as they could muster, except [his mother], who in her decided tone would say: ‘Napoleon, you are cheating.’”
When things got really heated, Napoleon would sweep the money off the table and into his pockets. Usually he gave it to his valet the next day to be returned to everyone, and another game would be scheduled for that night.
The Real Reason His Hands Were Always In His Pockets
No impression of Napoleon is complete without the pose. It’s so famous, you already know how to do it. Stand with one leg forward, turn three-quarters to the side, and stick your right hand in your pocket.
This wasn’t just an artist’s convention – Napoleon really struck that pose all the time. Like another short-fingered vulgarian, Napoleon was unusually vain about his hands, and he kept them in his pockets out of habit to keep them warm and safe.
According to Balcombe, the same young woman who had to put up with his singing:
“His hand was the fattest and prettiest in the word; his knuckles dimpled like those of a baby, his fingers taper and beautifully formed, and his nails perfect.”
He Was a Pincher
When he wasn’t keeping them out of sight in his pockets, Napoleon’s hands were dangerous to be around. According to the memoirs of Constant Wairy, who spent a lot of time in Napoleon’s inner circle during his years in power, the Emperor “in his moments of good humour would pinch his intimates by the tip of the ear; I have my own experience that he pinched the whole of it, and often both ears at once; and that with a master hand.”
Others wrote about Napoleon pinching women’s noses as a prank, pinching friends’ cheeks until they were on the verge of tears, and even pinching babies’ chins until their mothers eased them away from what had technically become assault and battery.
He Survived Two Suicide Attempts
Great men rarely come without a bit of instability, and Napoleon was no exception to the rule.
He had always been given to fits of rage, sometimes hurling heavy objects at his ministers and other subordinates. These rages got much worse after his fortunes turned and the nations of Europe started winning victories against him. The fear of defeat seems to have weighed on him.
Throughout his time in power, Napoleon was never more than a few seconds away from suicide, thanks to a vial of opium he habitually wore around his neck. He seems to have started wearing the lethal dose in 1812, following a near-capture by Cossacks during the Russian campaign.
After the crushing defeat in Russia, and the disastrous Battle of Nations that followed – as all the enemies he’d made pulled together and struck hard at his retreating army – Napoleon decided it was time to put an end to his misery and drank the opium. However, it had weakened over the years and he just got really sick.
Later, on Elba, he would have shot himself, but his servant had emptied the powder from his pistol. Reloading guns must have been a real hassle back then, because Napoleon gave up on killing himself after that./all-that-is-interesting/
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